Something is going on in my head. and my stomach. and my chest. Kind of uncomfortable shifting. like my emotional state is composed of seismic plates. Is that what they're called? Those massive plates of earth that groan and shift and cause tidal waves that engulf whole islands and cities? I feel restless and sad. but not really sad, just kind of frustrated and unmotivated. kind of watching myself fail law from a distance. not caring most of the time. devastated when i do engage. I think the feeling could be called 'lost'. Politically and emotionally. After casting myself adrift from uni politics, i feel like i'm wading through this political landscape that is just so unformed, barely cognisant of itself and it's hard to know where to turn or how i fit in. I think the advantage of student politics is that there is a basic calendar that gives some structure and immediate objectives.
Beyond that, i feel like everyone is as lost as me. and I find myself yearning for some kind of political mentor. an organisational structure that will take me in and nourish me and push me out of the nest stronger and with a clue about what i'm meant to be doing. maybe buffer me from the intense and pointless antagonism between leftist cliques. oh maybe i'm just yearning for a clique of my own.
I guess what i'm saying is that after doing my time in the little student politics hot pot, i've emerged to realise that I have not been equipped. I've read more Marx & Lenin than Bakunin. I find the anarchisty cliques the toughest to engage with. I feel battered and damaged by cynicism. I feel tired of being patronised by people who think being hopeful for something better is naive beyond belief. I feel jaded by people who think this is all there can be. Most of all though, i think i feel let down by my own finite political energy and passion. My own failure to be the brilliant, well read visionary that I want in my life.
and Venus died. in a tiny fitting bundle of grey feathers.
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4 comments:
oh love. we should talk about this when i get home. or if you have time, call me love.
i miss you. and venus is gone? i have been away too long.
xxx
the plates are tectonic, and the shifting is seismic. activity.
i have an irrational love of tectonic plates. the whole concept of them.
also, i read your blog sometimes.
xx
love bek
hey tal. i don't comment here (ever) but i read, and i know the feeling you're talking about, wanting to be part of a larger structure, get direction, feel like you're doing something useful. i think this happens to everyone after student politics. feeling like you have direction and are useful is quite addictive :)
my feeling is that if people don't feel some sense of lostness, then they're probably in denial. the world is pretty fucked up and it *is* hard to know what to do. harder still to sit with that and not direct it into wanting to be 'part of something'. but maybe sitting with that hard feeling can open up space for inventing your own strategies, and discovering your own strengths.? my experience is that the anarcho cliques can suck just as much as party politics -- it's just that decision-making structures are informalised and are based on cultural capital. everything is *still* like high school...
you have heaps of intelligence and energy and skill. you don't need to be a visionary! all the 'brilliant visionaries' were frauds anyhow. except maybe marx, but he was too busy with his gout to feel much like one.
Az, thanks. since i cracked some ribs jellywrestling i've been feeling heaps better so maybe there's something to be said for some distracting physical ailment... also i'm gonna get out of the law school next year and hopefully write an honours thesis that can help me get my head sorted. sort of. maybe not sorted, sifted? so i can have a lighter, fluffier scone, sorry, head, of course...
Bek, is there a 'something'philia to describe this kind of irrational love? tecto-philia? and feel free to read my blog. just don't tell my mum about it.
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